When someone you love is struggling, do this

I'm gonna be honest. I have been struggling for the past week.All of last week I found myself being in all the symptoms of depressive episode: scattered jumping between tasks as focus was hard, doing what I could instead of doing my best, crying almost daily, feeling I could sleep for days, feeling melancholic as hell, doubting myself, struggling to remember things and gathering all my strength for any phone calls or other human interaction and feeling guilty for not performing on par.Amongst all that is the desire to isolate which is the worst symptom of depression. I fought against it all week, reaching out to the few people in my close circle I can trust. In this depressive state as I reached out to people for support, I thought a lot about how I want to be supported when in the low. I've realized there is one thing that really is the gamechanger - and I want to share that with you today. The thing is, we were not taught at school how to actually be there for one another. We were not told how to support someone when they are struggling, and yet, struggle is a big part of being human. We all go through it in one way or another - so education in this is key.So, what is the one thing that you can do when someone is struggling to really help them?I was watching the tv-show Grey's Anatomy one night, and in one episode, the woman character is frustrated at her partner always putting positive twist on everything when she expresses her feelings.She exclaimed: "I just need to feel my feelings and feel all this awfulness for once!!!"Her partner takes a pause, pulls up two chairs. She asks what he is doing.He says: "I am creating us a space to sit and for you to have your feelings."In majority of cases, this is the best thing you can do someone.Be present to listen and hold space for them to have their feelings.Let me break this down to you. Don't fix - be present.This is the one automatic thought people have when someone struggles: "I need to fix this." If someone is going through it - there is nothing to be fixed. You cannot fix it - the attempt of fixing often actually makes the person feel worse. They just need you to be there in it with them. The best healer and support is for you to be there. Be present with them. Be in the rut with them.Listen.Ask them to share what is going on with them and that you are there to listen. "Tell me more." is the most powerful statement. "What else? Keep going." Let them know you want to hear whatever they want to share. Important point: The point is to listen, not to respond. This is not about you coming in with your wisdom, self-help tips or psychological guidance, if you have the ability. The point is to just listen and for them to unload.Let them know you are always there if they want to speak again.Once they have let everything out of their system, let them know it is okay for them to come back to you and speak again. This reassurance helps in itself to make them feel they are not alone.In the end, ask them: "Is there another way I could help you in this moment besides listening and holding you space to feel this?" Sometimes the person might say they don't know. Here are some questions you can ask to probe them to be able to offer further care:CONNECTION TO SELFHave you eaten?Would you like some water?Would you like to go outside and get some air?Would you like to lie down?What would make you more comfortable?CONNECTION TO OTHERS:Is there someone else you would like to talk to?Can I call someone for you?Is there someone else that could help you further in this?Honor your intuition, you will feel what questions come naturally. It is always good in a case of more serious adversity or mental health related situation that you check in if you can guidepost them to other form of support. However, your presence and listening are the biggest support you can give to someone. Knowing someone is there with you breaks the loneliness that can be felt and helps the person feel they are not carrying it all alone. This gives more strength to carry on.

I speak from experience. When I have had a person to just hold space for me and they listen and are present - it lightens the load. No fixing, just presence and love. This moment of connection is profoundly healing and the biggest act of love you can do to someone.

I hope this helps. I am sending you lots of love, 

Essi

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Question for connection

What do I need in this moment?When struggling, asking this question can guide you to know what you need just to feel a bit better. We don't always have people around, but this question can help you find the support you need within yourself. Listen to your intuition as you answer. First answer is the answer - don't overthink it. 

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